Understanding a disorganized attachment style

Applying attachment theory to not just romantic relationships, but  all intimate human relationships may be a relatively new school of thought, but it’s one that’s gained greater focus among relationship experts¹.

Let’s take a deeper look at one of these, known as the disorganized attachment style. You may already be dating someone with this attachment style and want to know what it means for your relationship – or you may be struggling with it yourself.

What is a disorganized attachment style?

This is a somewhat tricky attachment style for relationships, and it represents the most extreme form of an insecure attachment style. People with a disorganized attachment style represent a very human contradiction: real need for love and intimacy contrasted with an intense anxiety when they’ve achieved it with someone, often causing them to push new people away out of fear and insecurity. They desperately want to avoid disappointment or rejection so they try to preempt it by ditching the relationship first.     

Sometimes referred to as a fearful avoidant style, it’s distinct in that it’s a mixture of two other attachment styles. It has elements of an anxious attachment style, which can make people more emotionally volatile, clingy and in constant need of emotional validation. It also has elements of an avoidant style, which tends to make people difficult to get close to, emotionally guarded and overly independent. It may sound like a paradox but in general, it expresses itself as the person playing you hot and cold as you build the relationship – and struggling to find trust in you, which obviously can be frustrating. Its roots are understood quite well as attachment theory was first studied in infants. Research suggests that children with a disorganized attachment style often feel fear or distress too intense to be deactivated through a shift in attention from their caregiver². While this sounds a lot like bad parenting, it’s often less negligent. It can stem from their parents’ presence and attention being emotionally inconsistent, and therefore a source of fear and trepidation. This can happen with difficult marriages or overworked parents, for instance.

The problem is that caregivers often undervalue – or are ignorant of – how certain parental behaviors can have a life-lasting impact on how their child perceives and builds relationships.   

Disorganized attachment style: signs to look out for

It’s important to note that these attachment styles are somewhat fluid and can be further shaped in adulthood, depending on the depth of trauma. Here are some signs to identify within this style:

• Persistent fear
• Trust issues
• Doesn’t open up
• Emotionally unavailable 
• Demanding
• Behaves erratically
• Unresponsive 
• Poor dating history

A disorganized attachment style in adults often makes them a difficult candidate with whom to build a healthy and stable relationship. But how does it specifically impact romantic relationships?

So how does this play out practically when you’re dating someone with this attachment style? While you may not spot the initial signs, look out for these behaviors to tell whether or not you’re in a relationship with someone with a disorganized attachment style. 

• They pull you in closer, at times but push you away once the emotional stakes are raised
• They struggle to open up or be vulnerable with you in any way
• They can have problems with emotional regulation, causing them to behave dramatically or act out without warning 
• Their severe trust issues often cause them to express a feeling of being unlovable or unworthy of love
• They can seek emotional support in inappropriate or inconsistent ways, such as calling you in an anxious emotional state at odd hours
• They are overly sensitive to perceived signs of rejection, which will often cause them to lash out
• They often initially come across as emotionally aloof or detached, flip-flopping to and from this state throughout interactions

It’s easy to see the push of their need for closeness and the simultaneous pull of their deep-seated fear of it. The frustrating duality of desperately needing love but never trusting its source. The problem is that love is not a primary emotion, far from it. Even today, researchers struggle to define what blend of primary emotions causes it, or if there even is a definitive recipe or notion of what the concept ‘love’ truly means³.

The emotions behind it

People with a disorganized attachment style are far more driven by the two primary emotions: fear and anticipation. Fear is deeply linked with the idea of anxiety and threat response, and directly tied to our fight-or-flight instincts. It may be the oldest and most universal emotion in existence⁴.

You may never know where you stand. One day they may be all over you, calling just to talk and sending sweet, effusive messages telling you what you mean to them while the next, they may leave all your messages on read.

Conversely, they may become hyper-sensitive to you not responding to their message quickly enough or more easily perceive your tone’s affection not matching theirs. They can also have unrealistic standards, like expecting you to implicitly know when an issue is important to them and react negatively when they feel it’s not addressed. It can be a difficult double standard to accept.

The general causes of a disorganized attachment style

All attachment styles are formed during infancy in relation to caregiver behavior. As we touched upon earlier, this attachment style is deeply tied to childhood trauma. Specifically, in associating fear rather than security with a caregiver figure.

With a disorganized attachment style, an example of trauma can include having experienced abusive behavior from a parent – be it verbal, physical or sexual. However, it can also stem from witnessing this violent or unpredictable behavior in a caregiver towards others.   

Unresolved loss can be a large motivating factor for parental treatment. Research has shown that this attachment style emerges in the children of over half of mothers who experienced the loss of the other parent close to the child’s birth⁵.

On the other hand, early feelings of neglect or abandonment can just as often result in an anxious or avoidant style of personality; this attachment style is heavily tied to direct caregiver interaction.

Healing and coping strategies against disorganized attachment style

A disorganized attachment style is far from permanent and can be managed, even healed to a certain degree, by direct intervention. This can be either professional help, self-help or by the actions of their partner and other close relationships.

While you may think of your partner’s disorganized attachment style and how to fix it – without pushing them further away – it’s important to understand the limitations of how much one relationship can alter a lifelong attitude to relationship building.

However, it may feel weird to tell someone you’ve just started dating that they need professional help, so here’s how you can properly support your partner with this particular attachment style:

• The most important thing to remember is to be consistent with them, even if they aren’t always the same with you. What this tells them is even when they test you or push you away, your actions and emotions stay the same. They can be relied upon.
• Try to be patient and understanding. This problem isn’t going away suddenly if you do or say the right thing. Their main issue is fear and trust, so they’re waiting for a dependable pattern to emerge, which takes time.
• As with all successful relationships, open and honest communication is essential. Coax them into being open and vulnerable by being brave enough to take that step first.
• Finally, know when to call it quits if it’s not working out. The unfortunate reality is not all attachment styles are compatible.  

Sometimes, your partner will require some kind of therapeutic intervention to help them readjust their perceptions and behaviors to be more functional in a romantic relationship. However, it’s up to them to address the issue directly. Psychotherapy, attachment therapy, couples therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy have all been shown to have a profound impact on easing underlying attachment issues⁶.

Building healthier relationships if you have this attachment style

If you’ve recognized certain traits of a disorganized attachment style in yourself, or would like to find some ways to help you properly identify your attachment style and make positive daily changes to your behavior, here are some tips: 

• Try journaling. This can be a very effective tool for people to externalize their interior world and the emotions that entangle them.
• Take note of negative self-talk. How often is it happening and what’s the exact content of these unkind views of yourself? Challenge the little voice in your head.
• Tone and aggression can often muddle an otherwise reasonable message. Try to take a breath and express your needs calmly and clearly. You can build a small foundation of trust based on their response to these needs.
• Regardless of your partner’s needs, always take some space when necessary for your own emotional health. 

As suggested above, sometimes these issues can only be properly tackled with a professional counselor, therapist or psychologist.

Disorganized attachment styles in relationships can be managed

At times you may find it strange to date, or occupy the headspace of someone who longs for love and companionship, but is simultaneously terrified once they achieve it – but it really isn’t. Our emotions aren’t a monolith and often, there are a barrage of emotions directed towards a goal or interaction, and all of them are trying to help in their own way. These emotions and behaviors don‘t know when they’re actively undermining each other or creating paradoxical clashes in our psyche. As an outsider, you can help someone not only identify their disorganized attachment style, but also point out the positive steps towards healing themselves – or seeking out professional guidance when they can’t. As W. Clement Stone once said, “Thinking will not overcome fear. But action will.”