How to get a girlfriend: Your guide to finding love

Some days, it might seem like everyone around you is partnered up, and you’re sitting there wondering how to get a girlfriend, or if you ever will. Even with all the dating apps out there, finding someone that matches your values and wants the same kind of relationship as you can sometimes feel impossible.

In this article, we’ll look at the various steps of not just looking for a partner, but sustaining a relationship once you’ve found someone you like and want to be with. We’ll also offer you a few tips on how to find a girlfriend.

Step 1: Know who you are

One of the most important steps when it comes to how to get a girlfriend? Knowing who you are and what you want. Being aware of your goals in a relationship is key to being able to find the kind of partner you want; whether you want something casual, serious, or in between. Knowing what your values, interests and goals are before getting into a relationship can help you figure out if someone is the right match for you sooner rather than later – a good thing if you’d rather not waste time in a relationship that won’t work out. A study has even shown that compatibility is an important factor for people when choosing a partner¹.

Figuring out who you are first is good advice for another reason when it comes to getting a girlfriend – there’s a confidence that comes with self-awareness, which can be very attractive no matter your gender. Three tips for getting to know yourself better:

1. Take the time to practice self-reflection, whether by yourself or with the help of a trusted friend who can ask you questions. You can also try journaling, either using prompts to guide you, free-writing, or a combination of both. Personality quizzes are another way to get to know yourself better.
2. Explore your passions. Think about the things you love to do, what drives you. Remember that your passions don’t have to have anything to do with your career – you can be an HR executive with a passion for hiking, or an IT worker who loves embroidery. Knowing what drives you is a key factor in knowing who you are.
3. Try new things. No matter what stage you’re in life, it’s important not to stagnate. Make a commitment to learning new things, whether for your job or out of interest. You never know what you might discover about yourself!

Step 2: Meet singles

If you’re wondering how to get a girlfriend… well, the simple answer is you have to meet women. For better or worse, dating is very much a numbers game, and the more single women you meet, the higher your odds are of finding someone who shares your values, and that you can build a future with. It’s true that the prospect of rejection is always there, which can be terrifying – but as hockey great Wayne Gretzky once said, you miss all the shots you don’t take. If you don’t put yourself out there, you’re missing out – not just on future partners, but the possibility of friends, too. Here are three tips for meeting new people:

• Present yourself well. Like it or not, first impressions matter. You don’t have to be Hollywood levels of good looking – good grooming and dressing well can go a long way. If you’re nervous, try and remember they’re just people, too.
• Be yourself. While it might be tempting to talk yourself up or even pretend to be someone you’re not, someday the truth will come out,. So avoid messiness, it’s much better to be who are right from the beginning.
• Try different options. You never know where you’ll meet that special someone, so don’t be afraid to explore a bunch of different ways to meet people, whether it’s through singles events, taking a class, or volunteering. A dating app like eharmony is also a great idea for anyone wondering how to find a girlfriend online who shares their values.

Step 3: Ask her out

So, you’ve put in the work, you’ve met someone you like and want to get to know better… the obvious next step for anyone wondering how to get a girlfriend in real life? Asking her out. The prospect of asking someone out can feel really fraught, especially if you’re not sure if she also likes you. She might say no, in which case it’s really important to respect her wishes and move on to someone else, regardless of what any relationship gurus or Hollywood rom-coms may say.

However, she might say yes. Which is why the best advice for how to get a girlfriend is simply to screw your courage to the sticking place, as the Bard once said, and ask. Nervous about the best way to ask her out? Here are a few tips on how to get a girlfriend this way:

• Observe her beforehand, and make sure she’s actually interested. It can be easy to mistake simple kindness or professionalism for romantic interest, so take the time to be sure that she’d be open to going on a date with you.
• When you’re asking her out, make it both casual and specific. Rather than asking if she’d like to hang out sometime, ask if she’d like to see a movie with you, or get coffee at a specific date and time. Making the first date something casual like coffee takes the pressure off both of you and allows you to extend the date if it’s going well, and wrap things up quickly if it’s not.
• Make sure the date is something she’d like to do – if she’s a foodie, you could suggest a walk around a farmer’s market, or if she’s the outdoorsy type, maybe she’d like a hike as a first date.

Step 4: Get to know her

A date is only the first step when it comes to how to get a girlfriend. Now comes the most important part – getting to know her. While attraction and chemistry have their place, one of the most important components of a successful relationship is how compatible you are. (It’s why eharmony uses a Compatibility Matching System to find potential partners for you – and after over a million successful couples brought together over the years, we’d say it works!)

During these initial stages of dating, it’s key to go on a bunch of different kinds of dates, especially ones that allow you to talk to each other while on them. Communication is key at all stages of a relationship, and during those first few months, it’s how you get to know each other well enough to decide if you want to take things to the next level. Some tips for getting to know her:

• The most important way to get to know someone? Actively listening to them. Active listening is a skill that involves listening attentively to the person who’s talking. Respond and reflect on what they’re saying and remember the information for later.
• If talking isn’t your thing, you should find other ways to get to know each other better. Spending time doing things together, either on dates – hikes, museum visits, board game nights – or just simple tasks – grocery shopping or other errands – is a great way to see what kind of person your partner is.
• If it’s the kind of thing that interests both of you, a fun date night might be looking up a list of questions to ask each other. We already collected a bunch of questions to ask each other, as well as questions you can ask her. Just be sure to be honest with each other!

Do’s and Dont’s on a date when searching for a girlfriend

Do…	Don’t…
ask questions and listen	be later
put your phone away for the date	break the bank on a first date. An exploratory date could be smoothies in the park. If you feel a deeper connection, you can plan something elaborate
drink only in moderation	get ahead of yourself. Enjoy the moment
have pristine manners and be courteous towards serving staff	overshare with your date or dump emotional baggage on them
offer to pay if the date was your idea	hide the real you on dates

Step 5: Build a lasting relationship

She agreed to go out with you, you’ve had a few fun dates… that’s still only early on a very long road for the two of you, hopefully one that’ll take you the rest of your lives to navigate. When pondering how to get a girlfriend, the focus is often on the getting part, not the keeping part. Which is a shame, because good relationships are like plants; they require attention and effort to really thrive.

Building a solid relationship with each other requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to communicating with each other. No matter how strong the attraction is, or how much you love each other, it’s important to recognize that neither of those things are enough to sustain a long-term relationship without the three Cs of a healthy relationship – communication, compromise, and commitment. Here are some tips to make sure that your relationship is one of the ones that makes it:

• Spend quality time: You’ve successfully answered the question, ‘how to get a girlfriend’. Remember that your job doesn’t stop there! Remember to make time for her and let her know you’re thinking of her even during busy seasons of your lives – it doesn’t take much to make an effort.
• Maintain boundaries: Communication is important, but so is setting boundaries – and maintaining them. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your own identity and life. Not to mention that conversations about expectations and boundaries can help prevent misunderstandings and even fights later on.
• Solve conflicts in a healthy way: The odds are, you’re going to fight. No matter how in love two people are, there will almost inevitably come a day when there will be conflict in the relationship. When it happens, it’s important to keep in mind that at the end of the day, both of you are on the same team.

Initiative, patience and persistence are the key to lasting love

Remember, considering ‘how to get a girlfriend’ is only the first part of what will hopefully be a long and wonderful romantic journey. Whether you conduct your search online, ask friends to set you up, or wonder if taking a class of some kind is the right answer to ‘how to get a girlfriend’, it’s key to be patient, respect a no when it’s given, and be persistent enough to keep throwing yourself into the dating pool. If the idea of traditional dating makes you nervous, give eharmony a try. Our unique Compatibility Matching System helps you find someone who shares your values, so sign up today!