Dating Preferences: Understanding Why You Love Who You Love

Dating preferences refer to human beings’ preferences in their romantic partners. These preferences may be physical – for instance, body type or hair color; or social – perhaps personality or profession. Your dating preferences can also be influenced by your culture and your background. Understanding the role preferences play in a relationship is key to finding someone to settle down with who’s compatible with you long-term.

In this article, we’ll look at the meaning of dating preferences, discuss a few of the most common examples of dating preferences, how to identify and communicate your relationship preferences, and how your dating preferences may change over time.

What are dating preferences? 

Like we mentioned, dating preferences are your likes or dislikes in a partner. In many cases, what people look for in a partner is an offshoot of their values. For instance, someone who values frugality might prefer a partner who prefers simple, low-key dates – or someone for whom music is very important might prefer a partner who enjoys going to concerts. There are several types of dating preferences, including:

Physical appearance

Probably the most well-known type of dating preference, you’ll often see people of all genders making references to their physical ‘type’, whether they’re considering height, eye color, or general body type.

Personality traits

Physical attraction aside, you should probably enjoy spending time with the person your dating, which is why it’s important to take your preferences around your partner’s personality into account when you’re deciding if you want a relationship.

Lifestyle

Someone who travels a lot probably isn’t going to want a partner who is a homebody, and someone who enjoys a busy life probably isn’t going to be happy with someone more laid-back.

Values

Like we mentioned before, your values often inform your dating preferences – someone religious isn’t likely to want to date an atheist, for instance.

Common dating preferences

While they’re obviously based on the individual, taking a look at dating preferences statistics can be insightful.

According to a 2019 study of online dating preferences among Chinese adults¹, online dating preferences varied by gender. The study found that women paid attention both to whether their attributes matched their own requirements for mate choice, as well as whether the men’s attributes matched theirs. Men, on the other hand, only paid attention to whether the women’s attributes matched their relationship preferences. Women also placed greater importance on socioeconomic status than men did and treated potential partners accordingly. Finally, more women tend to send messages to people more popular than themselves than men do.

Another study indicates that as a society becomes more equal in terms of gender, differences in dating preferences between men and women decline; basically, the more equal a society, the more overlap there is between the sexes’ dating preferences². This directly contradicts theories in evolutionary psychology about dating preferences being set in stone, but the science is clear; as women gain more access to education and employment, and therefore independence, their mating preferences become more similar to men. Conversely, in gender-unequal societies, men are more likely to value youth and attractiveness, while women value wealth and status more.

How to identify your dating preferences

Figuring out what your dating preferences are can be really helpful when it comes to looking for a serious relationship. If you know what you want (and don’t want), right from the start, you run less risk of spending time with someone you’re not fundamentally compatible with. Additionally, putting some thought into your dating preferences can help you figure out whether they align with your values and what you want out of life. Interrogating your dating preferences can also help you figure out if they’re what you truly want, or whether they’re just what you’ve been taught you should want. A few ways to identify your dating preferences:

 Conduct a self-assessment

While self-assessments are often seen as corporate or therapy tools, they can be very useful when it comes to relationships too. Take some time – ideally when you have no other distractions – and make an honest tally of your good and bad points, your likes, your pet peeves, what your life is like right now, and what you would like it to be with a partner. An honest self-assessment is a great way to figure out what exactly your dating preferences are.

Reflect on your past relationships

If all your past boyfriends have been redheads, for example, there’s probably a pattern there. While we’re not saying you date different versions of the same people, looking for patterns can be very instructive. Especially if previous relationships have been less than healthy or happy, seeing if there’s some kind of commonality in your relationship preferences can be very helpful in breaking the cycle.

Use a checklist

As a general rule, we’re not a fan of the idea that you should only date people who match an arbitrary list of must-haves, but an already existing checklist can be a good jumping-off point for figuring out what you do and don’t like in a partner.

Communicating Your Preferences

Now that you’ve identified your dating preferences, the next step is to communicate them to any partners. Before you do, take a moment to identify what your deal-breakers are (for example, having children, supporting your parents as they get older, or religion) and what you’re willing to compromise on. It can be helpful to have your dealbreakers listed on your dating profile, or otherwise, bring them up on the first date; there’s no point wasting time on a relationship that will go nowhere.

Even if you don’t feel up to being quite that upfront, it’s important to make your expectations clear right from the beginning. Many fights among couples stem from mismatched expectations; being open and honest right from the beginning can stop a lot of fights before they even start.  Additionally, being open and honest in the early stages of dating can help you build trust with your partner, leading to a stronger relationship.

When you discuss your dating preferences with your partner, it’s important to be both gentle and realistic. If one of you needs something while the other one just wants something different, it’s important to prioritize the one with the need. For example, if your partner has a shellfish allergy, that takes priority over your love of seafood restaurants. It’s also important to compromise where possible – if one of you gets your way all the time, it’s likely to lead to resentment and anger. Another tip for discussing dating preferences – you don’t always have to bring them up directly. Some people find those types of conversations very difficult, so using things like checklists can help, or showing them a piece of media that serves as a natural lead-in to what you want to talk about. A third party like a trusted friend or even a professional therapist can also help you both get on the same page.

Do dating preferences change?

Regardless of what evolutionary psychology will try to tell you, dating preferences are not set in stone. Just as we change over the years, our dating preferences do, too. Things that can shift what people look for in a partner include:

• Age: Depending on what stage of life you’re in at the moment, your dating preferences can shift dramatically. For example, someone in their twenties might want a partner who is fond of going out and clubbing. As they get older, their preferences might shift to someone who would rather have a quiet night in.
• Life experiences: Life experiences can also shift our dating preferences – someone who’s lost a partner may not want a future spouse that reminds them too much of the past. Or someone with kids may only want to date other single parents, for example. Someone may realize that their tastes have changed as they’ve spent more time in the world.
• Cultural shifts: Interracial and same-sex relationships are now both vastly more popular and more accepted than they were even a couple of decades ago. Additionally, your cultural background can play a major part in your idea of an ‘ideal’ partner.

No matter what your preferences are or how they change, it’s important to be open-minded and flexible. You never know where you might find love.

Understanding your dating preferences can make looking for love easier

Everyone is different, which means our dating preferences are different too. Regardless of what you like in a partner, what is key to a successful relationship is knowing yourself, communicating with said partner, and making sure there’s mutual respect between the two of you. Before your next relationship, take some time and figure out what your dating preferences are so you know what to aim for. Wondering where you can find partners who match your dating preferences? At eharmony, our unique compatibility-based approach takes your values and preferences into account right from the beginning. Sign up for eharmony and look for real love today.