Breadcrumbing: this trail doesn’t lead to happily ever after

Breadcrumbing may sound like something that happens in the kitchen, but it’s acquired a secondary, much less pleasant meaning in the dating world. Breadcrumbing is when someone you’re interested in offers you little bits of encouragement, enough to keep you interested, but never takes it to the next level. Ultimately, you’re left with just breadcrumbs. In this article, we’ll look at the signs someone is breadcrumbing you, a few possible reasons they might do so, the toll of breadcrumbing in relationships, and how to handle things if you’ve been breadcrumbed.

What is breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing vs Ghosting

While breadcrumbing happens during the initial stages of a relationship, ghosting is one of the many ways a relationship can end. When you ghost someone, usually a romantic partner, you cut off all contact and disappear without explanation – vanishing into thin air like a ghost. Ghosting can be gradual, with contact reduced slowly, or all at once. While in some cases ghosting a partner is necessary for your safety, as a general rule it’s not a course of action we recommend, since it can leave them feeling confused, betrayed and seeking closure.

Breadcrumbing vs Benching

If you think benching sounds like a sports term, you’d be right. While breadcrumbing doesn’t necessarily involve being in a relationship with someone else, when you bench someone, you’re keeping them as a back-up in case your first choice doesn’t work out. You like the person you’re talking to, but not enough to commit to a full-on relationship while you have other, potentially better, dating options. It’s essentially a modern version of stringing someone along, made easier by a dating culture that encourages people to date around before settling on one specific person.

Why does breadcrumbing happen?

Breadcrumbing can happen for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are because the person doing the breadcrumbing is evil or purposefully manipulative. They might be unsure of what they want, or they desire a serious relationship, but struggle to take the next step due to past trauma or fear of intimacy.

Your attachment style can affect your behavior when it comes to breadcrumbing – in a study of a little under 750 adults between the ages of 18 and 40 in India and Spain, a correlation was shown between insecure attachment styles (anxious as well as avoidant) and engaging in breadcrumbing¹.

Additionally, some people engage in breadcrumbing on purpose. They enjoy the validation and attention it brings them, as well as the control it offers – however small the level – over the person they’re breadcrumbing. Stringing someone along with dribs and drabs of affection keeps them from looking elsewhere for a deeper connection, which can offer the person doing the breadcrumbing a sense of power and validation. Some people engaging in breadcrumbing may even already be in a relationship and are just doing it for the thrill.

We’ve talked about what breadcrumbing is, and why someone might do it, but what are the signs that someone might be laying out a trail of breadcrumbs for you? Here we take a look at five examples of breadcrumbing behavior:

You’re always the one initiating any conversations

Real relationships are a two-way street. For every text you send, every call you make, every plan you suggest, someone who’s really interested in you will take the initiative to respond. If you’re the one who always makes the first move, it might be a sign someone is breadcrumbing you.

Your conversations remain superficial and surface-level

Getting serious too soon is often a red flag but that doesn’t mean serious conversations have no place at the beginning of a relationship. If they’re happy to keep things light and flirtatious, even sexy, or talk about topics that don’t matter, but then become tense and irritable, or even ghost you when you try bringing up anything more serious, that’s something to consider. They may especially shy away from conversations about the status of your relationship.

They only pay attention when it looks like you’re losing interest

Someone who wants to build a future with you shows you they care all the time, not just when they’re afraid they’ll lose you. If someone is breadcrumbing you, they’re happy to ignore you until they feel you’re going to walk away, at which point they’ll try to reel you back in. The sudden rush of attention is designed to give you just enough hope to prevent you ditching the relationship.

Their actions don’t match their words

When someone truly cares, what they say and what they do are usually in sync. One of the dating red flags that can tell you if someone is breadcrumbing you is if their actions don’t match their words. For instance, they might talk about what a perfect couple you make, but any attempts to take the relationship further are brushed aside. Or they might flirt and tease, but never take the next step and suggest you meet.

The relationship is compartmentalized

While all healthy, successful relationships have boundaries, things work differently when someone is breadcrumbing you. People who engage in breadcrumbing often have boundaries that are unrealistically rigid, and they’re almost too keen to keep the different parts of their lives separate. While this could have reasonable explanations – they might want to wait until things are serious to introduce you to friends and family, they may have some past trauma, or they may simply be slow to open up – it’s possible they’re keeping you apart because they’re not interested in being in a relationship.

What breadcrumbing does to the brain

Although the name is cutesy, evoking an image of time in the kitchen or fairytales, breadcrumbing can have serious effects. The psychology of breadcrumbing is based on ‘intermittent reinforcement’ – that is, your brain is rewarded just often enough to make it harder to quit. It’s a principle used in gambling and in phone game loot boxes; over enough time, it can be harmful to the person being breadcrumbed. Just like with gambling, it’s easy to fall into a toxic dependence on the attention and validation. Studies show that this kind of attention is harder to walk away from than a system where the rewards are more consistent².

People being breadcrumbed can lose the ability to trust somone. Constant promises with no follow-up not only erodes the bond between the breadcrumber and their victim, but affects their ability to trust any future partners as well. Finally, constant and even long-term manipulation can severely affect self-esteem and make you think you’re unworthy of a real, loving relationship.

How to deal with breadcrumbing

You’ve met someone new and you think there might be a spark, but the more you think about it, the more it seems they’re showing one or more of the signs of breadcrumbing from the list above. Here are a few tips on how to handle breadcrumbing, whether it’s addressing the behavior or dealing with its effect.

Make your expectations clear right from the start

Breadcrumbing is much easier when the two of you are in a ‘situationship’ or some other arrangement that’s poorly defined. Sitting down and talking to the other person can be really scary, but it’s important to be clear about what the relationship is, what it means to each of you, and where you see it going. Being clear at the start can head off confusion and heartbreak later.

Work on yourself

You show others how to treat you with the way you treat yourself. Remember that you wouldn’t stand for a friend being treated poorly so why do you deserve to be? Practise self-care, whether that’s taking time for yourself, doing things that make you happy, or spending time with people who value you; take the time to figure out what you want and need in a relationship.

Set, and maintain, boundaries

Breadcrumbing happens in part because people aren’t clear enough about what they will and won’t accept in a relationship. Before you start dating, reflect on what you want in a relationship, how you would like your partner to treat you, and what your hard limits are. Knowing all of this in advance can help you deal with being breadcrumbed.

Write it down

Even if you don’t normally journal, logging the effort you make versus how much your partner makes can help you see if there’s an imbalance in communication levels. Journaling can help you express your feelings about your relationship and possibly help you find the strength to leave if you realize it’s no longer working. A journal doesn’t have to be pen and paper; the Notes app on your phone also works.

Seek professional help

The psychology behind breadcrumbing has strong links to addiction, which means breaking free of it on your own might be harder than expected. Additionally, breadcrumbing is inherently manipulative and often abusive. There’s no shame in reaching out to a mental health professional, either to deal with the breadcrumbing itself, or to help you build up your self-esteem so you can avoid being taken advantage of the same way in the future.

Confront them over their breadcrumbing behavior

Sometimes, breadcrumbing can occur accidentally, or without any malicious intent – your partner may just be afraid of commitment, or unaware of how their behavior makes you feel. In cases like this, it’s worth having a sit-down with your partner at a time when you’re both calm and not busy with anything else. Their reaction to being called out is a good indicator of whether the relationship is worth keeping.

Walk away

Sometimes the only way to win the game is to not play. Depending on the relationship and how long it’s been going on, it’s perfectly okay to decide you’ve had enough and to walk away. Don’t be fooled by what happens when you ignore a breadcrumber; they’ll suddenly flood you with affection in an attempt to reel you back in. Ignore it and look for someone who’s interested in offering you real love.

Don’t let yourself fall for a false fairy tale

While breadcrumbing may sound innocuous, it’s one of the more manipulative and damaging behaviors a person can exhibit. If you feel like you’re being breadcrumbed, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family for support, or to even end the relationship – it’s not worth the damage to your mental health.

Instead, try eharmony if you’re interested in dating someone who shares your values and wants the same kind of relationship you’re looking for. Sign up today for eharmony and take your first steps on the path to finding real love with someone compatible.