Types of Love: It’s about more than just eros

Pop culture may have you believe that there are only two types of love – platonic and romantic – but did you know that the Ancient Greeks counted 8 different kinds of love? You might recognize a few of their names – philia and mania have made their way into common English usage – but understanding all eight varieties of love may help you just as much as modern ways of interpreting love like Stenberg’s Triangular Theory. In this article, we’ll take a look at the different categories of love the Ancient Greeks made and what impact they might have on your relationships today.

What are the eight types of love?

The ancient Greeks thought there were 8 types of love: eros, philia, storge, agape, ludus, pragma, philautia, and mania.

1. Eros

Taking its name from the Greek god of love, Eros is what ancient Greeks called romantic love. Eros is fiery, intense, passionate – and is often seen in the early stages of romantic relationships. It is a very physical form of love, and its intensity means it doesn’t last very long – between six months and two years. In fact, how intense eros love is made the ancient Greeks mistrust it – they didn’t like that it made people lose control. That being said, eros can either burn itself out or settle down into a steadier, more constant kind of love.

2. Philia

Philia refers to the deep love between friends. Unlike many modern Western societies that elevate romantic love above all else, the ancient Greeks understood the importance of strong bonds between friends. The Greek philosopher Plato was a strong proponent of this kind of love, which is why it’s also known as platonic love. Philia love is characterized by a deep bond between friends who trust each other, are loyal to each other, and share important values. There’s also an important lesson to be learned for couples – friendships are important, so don’t neglect your friends in favor of your significant other.

3. Storge

Family was very important to the ancient Greeks, which is why they have a whole separate name for love for your family – storge. Relating to affection, storge refers to the love between a parent and child, siblings, or other family. Applied more broadly, storge love can also apply to larger groups that feel like a family – your community, your country, even your favorite sports team. Storge brings with it a feeling of safety and security, as well as the joy of having shared memories and experiences. No matter what stage of dating you’re in, it’s important to make time for family, too.

4. Agape

Those of you who studied religion in school might be familiar with this one – agape love is an altruistic, selfless love for others and can even refer to the relationship between a person and God. Particularly in Christianity, agape love – with its qualities of sacrifice and charity – is thought of as the highest form of love. Even if you’re not religious yourself, practicing agape – which encourages trust, acceptance, forgiveness of others, as well as showing humility and grace, is a great way to improve your relationship with other people – and especially your loved ones.

5. Ludus

Ludus is the Greek word for ‘game’, or ‘play’, so it’s no surprise that Ludus refers to a playful and affectionate kind of love. Ludus love is felt most commonly when you have a crush on someone, or in the early stages of a relationship, where you’re still in the flirty, teasing, getting-to-know-each-other stage. However, even people who are in serious relationships, or married, can benefit from integrating aspects of ludus into their lives – flirting with your partner is a great way to keep the romance alive whether you’ve been together three months or thirty years.

6. Pragma

If you know couples who have stayed together a long time, their love has probably settled from the passionate ups and downs of eros to the steadier, most constant affection of pragma. Pragma love often involves compromises from both partners in the relationship, as well as patience and tolerance – it’s the kind of love that acknowledges that relationships take work to be successful. People who feel pragma make promises and keep them; they’re also committed to putting the relationship first. While pragma may not be as exciting as eros or ludus, it’s definitely more sustainable long-term.

7. Philautia

Some people dismiss the idea of loving yourself as a modern concept, but that’s not true; it’s as old as ancient Greece. The ancient Greeks thought showing philautia, or love or compassion for yourself, increased your ability to love others… something we can learn from even today. A great way to follow in the ancient Greek’s footsteps when it comes to showing philautia love is to take care of yourself as well as other people. Whether that be self-care in the form of massages, me time, or deeper ways of taking care of yourself like going to therapy.

8. Mania

Coming from the Greek for ‘madness’ or ‘frenzy’, Mania is, as you can probably tell, an obsessive kind of love, characterized by jealousy, possessive behavior, and obsession. People who feel mania love are often in codependent or otherwise unhealthy relationships. While the idea of being with someone who will go to the ends of the earth for you, or who is the center of your world, can be very tempting – witness the popularity of dark romance books – in real life, mania is one of the most toxic types of love and is best stayed away from.

How understanding the different types of love can improve your life

While romantic love is often valued above all else in our society, all the types of love are important and play a key part when it comes to relationships. (In the case of mania, it’s an example of a kind of love that should be avoided at all costs, but even so…) Learning more about the different types of love in relationships is a great start to broadening your own understanding of love as more than something out of a Hallmark or Lifetime movie. Balancing the different kinds of love – not just eros and philia and storge, but eros and ludus and pragma – is key to having a balanced life with healthy relationships; not just with your romantic partner, but with your family, your friends, and the world as a whole.

Why is a balance between eros, philia and storge important? Focusing too much on one person can lead to mania, which as we saw earlier, is an unhealthy, soul-destroying kind of love. Some ways to cultivate different types of love:

• No matter which stage of dating you’re in, make time for dates with your partner, and flirt with them at every opportunity.
• Make sure to keep in regular contact with your friends – just because you’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean you should neglect them.
• If you aren’t the religious type, volunteering can be a way to practice agape. If you are, be certain to nurture your relationship with God through earthly acts of charity and acceptance.
• As for ludus, shake things up! Play a game, toss a ball, watch a childhood favorite movie, build a blanket fort together.
• When practicing the eight types of love (well, perhaps not mania), it can be beneficial to know about the five love languages.

There’s no such thing as too much love

Across time and space, different cultures have seen love differently – whether that’s the courtly love of the medieval West, the Stenberg Triangular Theory we use to classify love these days, or the 8 types of of love identified by the Greeks. The more you know about types of love and the different ways they manifest, the more prepared you are to create happy, healthy relationships of your own. Looking for someone to find eros and then pragma with? At eharmony, our unique Compatibility Matching System helps you find people who share your values and goals for a relationship. Sign up for eharmony and start looking for real love today.