Polyamorous relationships: is one right for you?

Ever been attracted to more than one person at once and hated having to choose? Well, in a polyamorous relationship, you may not have to. Simply put, polyamory is a relationship philosophy based on ethical non-monogamy, where individuals can have multiple concurrent romantic relationships – so long as everyone involved knows and is on board, of course. According to a recent study, 1 in 6 people at least want to give a poly relationship a shot.¹ In this article, we’ll look at the practical and the emotional aspects of being in a polyamorous relationship, and offer some tips for starting and sustaining one.

What is a polyamorous relationship?

According to Merriam-Webster, polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic relationship at a time.² It is a philosophy and a lifestyle that emphasizes openness, honesty, and communication, the better for everyone involved to get their needs met in a way that’s respectful and loving for all parties. Being in a polyamorous relationship shifts the philosophical aspect of polyamory into the real world, meaning that anyone who is interested in this sort of lifestyle must also contend with the human aspect of it, such as dealing with the logistics of having multiple partners, their own jealousy, as well as other people’s emotions. Being poly in a relationship means managing multiple partners with intentionality and carefully considering severyone involved, not just the people in the relationship.

Key components of a healthy poly relationship

Just like any relationship, successful polyamorous relationships depend on a few key elements.

• Trust: No relationship can work without trust, and that’s just as true of poly relationships. You need to be able to trust your partner to not cross any established boundaries, and they need to be able to do the same with you.
• Communication: It’s one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship for a reason – no healthy relationship works without clear, honest communication between the people involved. This is especially true when there’s more than two of them, and in all the many combinations that are possible with polyamory.
• Mutual respect: Just like a traditional relationship, a successful polyamorous relationship is founded on respect – not just for your partner, but their other partners, too.
• Flexibility: One of the best things about polyamorous relationships? There are no real rules, apart from honesty and communication. You’re free to figure out the kind of relationship that works best for you and the people you love.

Types of poly relationships

Not all polyamorous relationships look alike – in fact, there are nearly as many variations as there are relationships – so here is a quick look at some of the more common structures:

• Polycule: The name for an interconnected network of people who are in polyamorous relationships and their significant others – so for instance, you, your boyfriend, your boyfriend’s partner, and your boyfriend’s partner’s wife. Not everyone in a polycule is in a romantic relationship with each other.
• Poly triad: A relationship of three people, where all three are sexually or romantically involved with each other. They may decide to be exclusive to each other, or have additional polyamorous relationships outside, but they are a unit unto themselves.
• Poly vee: A relationship structure where two people are dating a third but not each other (hence the name). The two non-dating partners may be friends, acquaintances, or not really interact at all.
• Other types of polyamorous relationships include hierarchical polyamory (where there are primary and secondary partners), non-hierarchical polyamory (where everyone is equal), solo polyamory (multiple relationships but no commitment), parallel polyamory (relationships where people are aware of but have little or no contact with their partner’s other partner(s)), and relationship anarchy (a philosophy that encourages people to set their own relationship rules).

Polyamorous marriage and poly families

While legal recognition for polyamorous marriages is almost non-existent in the West, plenty of polyamorous relationships provide the kind of settled, long-term commitment that we have come to expect of traditional monogamous marriages, including shared property and raising children together. Without the recognition and protection of marriage, however, people in these relationships depend on a web of ironclad legal documents, like powers of attorney and wills, to make sure that they can be there for each other in times of need.

As much happiness as a polyamorous relationship can bring, it also comes with challenges. Some common ones include:

Time management

There are only so many hours in the day, and a lot of them are already taken up by sleep, work, and general life management. Finding the time and energy for multiple relationships can be incredibly difficult. And that’s not taking into account the work that’s required to juggle schedules, or making sure that nobody is feeling left out. Thank goodness for shared calendars!

Communication issues

There’s very little that’ll doom a relationship quicker than poor communication, and that’s especially true of poly relationships. Being upfront and open with each other is even more important when it’s not just you and your partner, it’s you and your partners and your partner’s partners, too. Setting and sticking to boundaries right from the beginning can also help with managing the relationship, but nothing can take the place of clear, frequent communication.

Jealousy

It’s one thing to be philosophically in support of the idea that everyone is free to love whoever they like, and that nobody has exclusive claim on anyone else’s heart. It’s quite another to deal with the reality of your partner going out on a date with someone else. Left unchecked, jealousy can destroy even the most stable and long-term relationships, so it’s really important to try and do your best to work around it.

Social stigma

Even though polyamory is becoming more and more accepted, there will still be people who accuse you and your partners of cheating, promiscuity or worse. You’ll still have to deal with legal and housing discrimination, and risk losing friends and even family over your dating choices. Being judged for who you love is hard, so it’s important to lean on your partners for support and remember that the fault isn’t yours, it’s the people judging you.

Dealing with breakups

Alas, not every relationship has a happy ending. And while splitting up can be tough enough when it’s just two of you, it can be even worse with more people in the mix, especially in polycules. Even when divorce isn’t involved, extricating yourself from a relationship can be very messy. Additionally, people in poly relationships have to deal with more splash damage, whether that’s mutual friends, their families, or their kids, all of whom have to adjust to the new dynamic.

Benefits of being in a polyamorous relationship

For all its downsides, there are some great benefits to being in a polyamorous relationship, including:

Better relationship skills

Just like everything else, being a good partner is a combination of talent, learning, and skill. Navigating a polyamorous relationship will take more of all three than a traditional one, simply because most of us can’t fall back on the rules and scripts we grew up with. A polyamorous relationship gives participants the chance to ditch the old, possibly harmful rules they grew up with and create new ones that work better for themselves and their loved ones.

Better communication skills

You’re not just dealing with one person, you’re dealing with multiple, and that’s not counting the people in their orbit, either. As important as communication normally is, being in a poly relationship will force you to quickly get better about being honest and upfront with your partners, or risk things going south.

More support

One of the best parts of having a significant other is the emotional support a good one will give you. When you’re in a polyamorous relationship, that support is multiplied. As a bonus, if your partner has other partners, they will have more people to lean on in bad times than just you, which is better for everyone involved.

A better understanding of yourself

Successfully navigating a polyamorous relationship requires a clear understanding of exactly what it is you’re looking for in a relationship, what you’re willing to offer someone, and what your limits and boundaries are. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you will be to navigate the rules of a polyamorous relationship.

The ability to get diverse needs fulfilled

While being everything to your partner is a nice fantasy, it’s not either realistic or healthy for either of you or the relationship. A polyamorous relationship allows partners with incompatible needs to fulfill those needs without having to lose the rest of the relationship, too. For instance, if your partner is vanilla and you’re kinky, or vice versa, additional partners are a way for you to explore those aspects of yourselves while staying together.

Compersion

Compersion, or substitute joy, is the joy we feel at other people’s happiness. At the end of the day, most human beings aren’t selfish – they want their partners to be happy, too. A polyamorous relationship allows you the unique satisfaction of seeing your partner happy in another relationship while also being happy with you.

Considering a polyamorous relationship can be daunting, especially if it’s your first time doing so. Here are ten dos and don’ts for you to follow if you’re thinking of having more than one relationship at a time:

Do your research

We’re lucky to live at a time where information is easier to access than ever before, so take advantage. Read a few books, look up online resources, or talk to an expert if you have access to one – the more you know, the better prepared you’ll be to navigate polyamory.

Don’t rush into things

Diving into the deep end may work for swimming, but it rarely does so for polyamory. Don’t be afraid to take baby steps and go at your own pace – it’s important to honor your own feelings and boundaries, and those of any partner you may already have.

Do ask for what you need

Remember, people can’t read your mind, so you need to be clear about what you want from them and the relationship. It’s better to have a hard conversation than spend weeks or even months being resentful your needs aren’t being met. Openness and honesty are the bedrock of any relationship, but especially polyamorous ones.

Don’t consider polyamory for the wrong reasons

It can be easy to think that polyamory will magically fix any ongoing issues in your relationship, or that you should open it up despite your own misgivings to make your partner happy, or that polyamory is a solution to wanting to cheat. If you decide on being polyamorous, it should be because it feels right to you.

Do know your boundaries and limits

Boundaries and limits are very important to healthy polyamorous relationships – some people are fine with being friends with their partner’s partners. Others don’t want to know more than the fact that they exist. Setting boundaries early on and maintaining them is key to a healthy relationship.

Don’t be afraid to change the terms of your relationship

Just like traditional monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships also evolve as time passes. Don’t be afraid to speak up if something no longer works, and check in with all your partners regularly to make sure you’re still on the same page.

Do know that polyamorous relationships require a lot of communication

Most of us are familiar with how monogamous relationships work. However, polyamorous relationships have their own set of rules and expectations, all of which need to be discussed regularly so nothing goes off the rails. Which makes clear communication even more important.

Don’t forget about the logistics

Thinking of being in a polyamorous relationship? Your calendar is about to become your best friend. A key – and little-thought-of – aspect of being poly is figuring out how to juggle your various partners so everyone feels valued and nobody feels left out. Before adding in a new partner, make sure you have the time and energy.

Do establish ground rules for your relationships

Especially if you’re just starting out, it’s important to establish a few ground rules for your relationship. What these rules are will depend on you and your partners, but respecting them is key to the success of your relationship.

Don’t forget that every relationship is unique

Some poly relationships are serious and long-term, some are casual and just for a little while, some are all about the sex, some are more about the emotional connection, some are exclusive, some aren’t. What your relationship is depends completely on what you and your partners want it to be, so don’t think it needs to fit a mold.

What if I want to try a poly relationship?

Polyamorous relationships aren’t for everyone, but if you have the right mindset and are willing to put in the work, they could well bring you, and your partners, great joy.

Before starting on any kind of poly relationship, you need to be completely honest with yourself about what you want, and what you’re looking for. You also need to figure out if you can actually handle sharing – not everyone can, and that’s perfectly okay! You also need to figure out what kind of polyamorous relationship you’d be most comfortable with – a primary partner and some secondaries? Some kind of loose polycule? A committed poly triad? – and go from there.

If you have a partner, it’s imperative to bring them into the conversation once you’ve settled on a course of action. Reassure them that you being interested in polyamory has nothing to do with any failures or lack on their part, and ask if they’d be interested in trying it. If they say no, don’t push – pressuring a partner into doing something they’re uncomfortable with isn’t just jerk behavior, it’s the fastest way to blow your relationship up. If they’re dead set against opening up the relationship, breaking things off might be the kindest option for both of you. If they are open, however, that’s something you can work on as a couple, so you can hit upon a balance that works for both you and them.

What if my partner wants to be poly?

So, your partner has brought up the idea of being polyamorous to you. While you might be tempted to dismiss the idea out of hand, it’s worth taking a deep breath and thinking about it. First, ask your partner why they want to open the relationship. Is it because there are problems with your relationship and they think opening it will fix things? Is it because they’re worried about the temptation to cheat and think polyamory is a solution? Neither of these are good reasons to open a relationship, and you would be better off either working on things or breaking up.

On the other hand, it’s important to remember that some 5% of Americans are in some form of consensual non-monogamous relationships³, and the number will only continue to grow as non-traditional relationships gain more acceptance. Additionally, consensual non-monogamy can be a great solution for an otherwise loving couple with differing relationship needs, or simply just a couple for whom traditional monogamy isn’t a good fit for whatever reason.

So, if you’re not completely against the idea of opening your relationship, it’s worth having a conversation with them about it. Things to talk about include ground rules, expectations and boundaries, how to deal with jealousy or feeling left out, and whether you’ll be doing polyamory as a couple, individually, or some combination. Exploring polyamory might feel very daunting, but if you approach it with respect, honesty, and an open mind, it might very well work out great for everyone involved.

Relationships don’t have to be traditional to be happy

At first glance, they might seem like just a passing fancy, but polyamorous relationships are just like any other – at their best, they’re loving, committed, and a source of great joy and satisfaction to all involved. The key – as with all relationships – is to be honest, open, respectful, and committed to treating your partners right. Wondering how to get started with a polyamorous relationship? At eharmony, we have eligible singles who’re looking for all kinds of relationship, and our Compatibility Matching System makes it easy for you to find someone who shares your values. Sign up and start looking for real love today.

FAQ about polyamorous relationships

Can a poly person be happy in a monogamous relationship?

Absolutely! Some poly people make the choice to be monogamous with their partner rather than end the relationship. Just because someone is polyamorous, it doesn’t follow that they aren’t capable of being monogamous, or that it will make them unhappy to have just one partner – it depends on the person and the relationship.

Is a polyamorous relationship healthy?

If there is respect, honesty, consent, and communication? Absolutely. In fact, studies show that not only do non-monogamous people report greater satisfaction in their relationships, people in polyamorous relationships are more secure in their partners’ feelings than their counterparts in monogamous relationships – probably because successful polyamory needs trust, honesty, and communication.⁴

Which gender is more polyamorous?

A study showed that somewhere around 5% of American adults are or have been in a non-monogamous relationship, with more men having reported being in one than women. Another study showed that one-third of all gay men surveyed had been in a non-monogamous relationship⁵. Interestingly, one of the few polyamorous marriages to receive official government sanction happened between three gay men in Columbia – Alejandro Rodriguez, Miguel Bermudez and Victor Hugo Prada were recognized as one of the world’s first three-way marriages (technically a ‘special patrimonial union’) in 2017.

How long do polyamorous relationships last?

A survey of 340 polyamorous couples conducted a few years ago revealed that the average relationship length for the ‘primary’ couples was eight years, and the secondary relationships five years. However, 20% of respondents had been together a decade or longer.⁶