The no contact rule: how to protect yourself after a breakup

Breakups are tough, no matter the circumstances. Whether your relationship lasted a few months or several years, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. That’s where the no contact rule comes in. Simply put, this means cutting off all communication with your ex—no calls, no texts, no checking their social media.

Why is this important? Because maintaining contact can keep you stuck in an emotional cycle, making it harder to heal. Whether you’re seeking closure or simply focusing on your well-being, the psychology of the no contact rule shows that taking space after a breakup helps you regain clarity, rebuild your sense of self, and process your emotions in a healthier way.

In this article, we’ll explore how the no contact rule works, how long it should last, and practical strategies for making it easier.

What is the no contact rule?

You’ve broken up. Maybe it was after a quick fling, maybe it was a years-long love affair with someone you thought was The One. Whatever it was, it’s over now. You’re struggling, heartbroken, thinking about getting back in touch with your ex… but stop right there. Getting back in touch is like picking at scabs; it’s not helpful, and it’s likely to open the wound right back up.

Instead, you should firmly implement the no contact rule after a breakup. What does that mean? As it implies, it means having absolutely no contact with your ex. No texting, no calling, no random hook-ups. Yes, it will be hard, but going no contact is the surest way you don’t fall back into a toxic pattern that impedes your healing. On the other hand, if you want your ex back (and it’s the kind of relationship that’s worth rekindling) implementing the no contact rule for 30 days can be a great way to remind them of just what they’re missing. Three tips for going no contact:

• Block them on everything. Social media, phones, you name it. Try and avoid them in real life, too – no ‘accidental’ run-ins.
• Tell your friends not to give you any updates on your ex so you’re not tempted to check up on them yourself. Yes, even the juicy stuff.
• Sometimes there are reasons you can’t go no contact – perhaps you have children together, or work in the same office, or have some other tie you can’t sever. In this case, the best thing you can do is to limit your interactions to the bare minimum, and keep them as on topic as possible. An example could be to use a parenting app to communicate and have strict boundaries about what you talk about.

How the no contact rule works

Okay, so now you know what the no contact rule is. How does it actually work in practice? Here’s a quick guide to implementing the no contact rule in your life:

Talk to your ex

While the thought of leaving your ex on read or just blocking them without a word may be tempting, it’s a little unkind unless it’s a safety issue. Instead, have one final conversation with them about going no contact so they’re aware of your plans and know not to get in touch.

Talk to your friends and family

Having the support of people in your life makes implementing the no contact rule much easier. Let your friends and family know that you’re doing your best to not talk to, or about your ex, and ask them to refrain from passing on any news about them either.

Put the walls up

Remind yourself that going no contact is for your own benefit, and will help you move on, or increase the odds that the two of you will get back together, depending on your goal. Write down a list of all the reasons getting in touch is a terrible idea, and keep it within easy reach.

Set yourself up for no contact success

What’s the easiest way to make something a habit? Make it easy to do. For the no contact rule, this might mean blocking or deleting your ex’s number, or at least changing their display name. It may also require blocking or unfollowing them on social media and taking a step back, at least temporarily, from shared friends.

Make it harder to ‘accidentally’ meet up

The temptation is going to be there, so you might as well get ahead of it. You know your ex’s schedule and preferred haunts, so make a deliberate effort not to wind up in the same place at the same time so you don’t do something you’ll regret.

Spend time with friends and family

It’s true that sometimes being in a relationship means friends and family get a little neglected… so this is your chance to make up for lost time. And if you’re wondering how to stop thinking about someone, reconnecting with the people who care about you can be a great distraction. Fill the spaces where your ex used to be with the love and support of those who are still in your life.

Find a new hobby

Post-breakup is a great time to pick up a hobby you haven’t had time for before, or that your ex wasn’t a fan of. You can also choose to focus on the hobbies you do have now that your schedule has more open space.

Practice self-care

Remember, heartbreak hurts, so be gentle with yourself. Take the time to take care of yourself and work on your mental and emotional health. Good sleep, healthy meals, and regular exercise can all help you heal faster, while pampering yourself post-breakup is never a bad idea.

Focus on personal growth

This period of no contact is a great time to focus on yourself and your recovery. Whether it’s through journaling, conversations with friends, or sessions with a mental health professional, use the no contact period as a way to move forward.

Consider reconnecting

Some exes just aren’t worth ever contacting again, and that’s fine. For the others, it’s worth checking in with yourself periodically if you’re in a place where reconnecting would be a good idea. If you’re still hurting, then keep up the lack of contact.

How long should the ‘no contact’ period be?

How long to wait for the no contact rule? The honest answer is that it depends – on what kind of breakup it was, on how long the relationship was, how well or poorly your recovery is going, and your goals for implementing the no contact rule. The recommendation is a minimum of 21 days, although if the breakup was exceptionally bad, you should stretch it to 60 or even 90 days.

We think that longer no contact periods are better, regardless of whether you want to move on or want the relationship back. According to a study done by scientists at the University of Arizona, time is a key factor in recovery from a breakup – basically, the more time passes, the less it hurts.¹

We’d suggest a minimum of three months, or even six – how long the no contact rule lasts depends on what works best for you and your particular relationship.

Does the no contact rule work?

The no contact rule is popular for a reason – it works. It gives you the opportunity to step back and process your emotions without constantly being pulled back into the old dynamic. Additionally, going no contact allows you the opportunity to decenter your former partner in your life. This lets you develop a more realistic view of them that isn’t colored by your feelings, either negative or positive.

The no contact rule, when it’s implemented correctly and with intention, allows people to create a space to reflect, regain their emotional independence, and heal the damage caused by the breakup. Leaving your ex behind allows you to create a new life that’s focused on you and what’s best for you, and hopefully is the first step on the path to a better future, whether that’s with the ex, by yourself, or someone new.

Getting back in touch: Examples for the first text after no contact rule

One of the goals of the no contact rule is to give you time and space to fully process your feelings about the relationship. It’s possible that, once some time has passed and you’ve done some reflecting and healing, you might want to reach out to your ex. This could be to rekindle the relationship, to see if the two of you can develop some kind of friendship, or even just to have some closure as part of the moving on process.

Remember, you should only get in touch again if you’re confident in how much you’ve healed – breaking the no contact rule too soon could see you losing all the progress you’ve worked hard to make. If you do feel like getting back in touch, here are some examples of first texts after the no contact rule expires:

• ‘Hey! I know it’s been a while. How are you?’
• ‘I’ve been thinking of you recently. Would you like to get a drink and catch up?’
• ‘We were right to break up, but I’d like to see if we can be friends. What do you think?’
• ‘I don’t know about you, but I think we could do with some closure. Meet for drinks?’
• Or simply, ‘Hey. I miss you.’

Going no contact now can lead to happiness later

The no contact rule isn’t just about avoiding an ex—it’s about healing, regaining independence, and focusing on yourself. By taking space, you allow clarity to replace emotional turmoil. Whether you move on or reassess the relationship later, no contact empowers you to make decisions from a place of strength. Breakups are an ending, but they can also be a fresh start. Use this time to heal, grow, and build a life that truly makes you happy.

Once you’re in a better place, and you decide to move on – there’s always eharmony. Our unique Compatibility Matching System makes it easier for you to find people who share your values and want the same kind of relationship you do. Sign up and start looking for real love today.