When to say I love you: timing is just as important as the words

They’re three of the most important words in the English language, so of course people wonder when to say ‘I love you.’ It’s a question with no simple answer – there are so many things to factor in, like how long you’ve been dating and whether you’re ready to say it.

In this article, we’ll look at when is too soon to say I love you, what the right time might be to express your feelings, and how to tell if you should be the first to say I love you. We’ll also talk about how to say I love you and offer a few tips.

When is the right time to say ‘I love you’?

The first few months of a relationship are always exhilarating, and it’s not uncommon to wonder if it’s too soon to say ‘I love you’. If you’re wondering ‘How do I know when to say I love you?’, take a step back and consider if it’s really the right time to take your relationship to the next level.

When is too soon to say I love you?

While it certainly varies by relationship, we’re fairly sure that any period less than a month is too soon. At that stage, you’re still in limerence – a state of deep infatuation – and what you’re feeling might well not be love at all, just hormones. It’s important to take a deep breath and step back from the idea of saying anything just yet – you don’t want to come on too strong.

When is the appropriate time to say I love you?

Again, it depends on the relationship… and your own heart. Generally, when you’re happy just spending time with them, care for their happiness as much or more than your own, find their flaws and idiosyncrasies endearing rather than annoying, and can see a future with them, that’s a good chance that you should tell them you love them.

10 signs how to know when to say I love you

How to know when to say I love you isn’t always easy and obvious, so here are a few ways to know it’s the right time: 

1. You’re both on the same page: You have been dating for a while, you’re filled with gratitude for each other, you’re compatible, and you’ve made some sacrifices. These are huge signs that you are ready for a relationship. If you know your partner feels strongly the same about you then maybe they’re just waiting for you to say those three words too. Note: When you do say I love you to your partner, ensure that it means the same thing to both of you. Your partner should not interpret it differently and get excited about looking for wedding venues.
2. You both handle relationship challenges in a mature way: Fights and disagreements are normal in relationships. If you care for each other even when you argue, or are angry, and you love the ugly parts, then it is a clear sign that you are in love. When you finally decide to say I love you, it only means you are taking the relationship exclusive on a next level; love was always there.
3. You have great chemistry: Aside from the great physical intimacy, you two share an undeniable emotional attraction and an intellectual connection. This can contribute to the longevity of your relationship in a big way. Your gut tells you that this person is your compatible companion.
4. You have been on great dates together: Since profound love needs time to develop, it is unreasonable to confess your love if you have known each for a brief time. It’s fun to be spontaneous, but you shouldn’t rush into it and scare the other person away. On the other hand, if you’ve been through different dating stages, have maintained healthy boundaries, and if you both can see a future together, then it’s safe to assume that love is there.
5. You can barely control your feelings: If you are sure of your feelings and are itching to profess your love, it’s a great sign. If you are certain about your relationship and if you think it is a logical step that has the potential to be the steppingstone for many more significant chapters in your life, then do not wait too long. So, when to say I love you? If you feel like you are going to explode if you don’t say it then just go ahead and say it. Love is all you want.
6. You are willing to make sacrifices and compromise for your partner: All of us have our opinions and our preferences. But if you realize that keeping your partner happy is more important than being right, or you’d rather give something up than have them be sad or disappointed, it’s probably a sign you’re in love.
7. You accept your partner’s flaws and idiosyncrasies: Your partner isn’t perfect, and that’s perfectly fine by you. Rather than being annoyed or aggravated by their quirks, you find them cute or even charming, and don’t let their flaws distract you from their good points.
8. You’re secure in the relationship: So that hot guy or girl is flirting with your partner. You don’t care, because you’re the one they’re going home with. Not just that, if your relationship makes you feel calm and steadies you, the answer to ‘When should I say I love you?’ is now.
9. You don’t need fancy dates to have fun together
   You will know it’s love when even doing something as mundane as grocery shopping or heading to the laundromat is fun, just because it’s with your partner. Sure, dressing up and going out is great, but it’s the company that makes it so.
10. You can see a future with them: When you make plans – not just immediate ones, but for a year, five, even ten years in the future, your partner is right there with you. Regardless of whether they’re big or small, they’re a part of any dreams you have. If you’re wondering, ‘when is the right time to say I love you?’ this one’s a pretty good sign it’s now.

When to say I love you first

So, you want to say the words but are nervous about when to say I love you? Or don’t know how to express your feelings? Or are worried that your partner might react in an unexpected way? It’s perfectly understandable… in fact, we’re quite sure pretty much everyone has experienced the struggle of knowing when to say I love you in a relationship.

No matter how secure you are in your partner’s affection, revealing your feelings to them still takes courage and vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being the first one to say ‘I love you’, either – you just need to be sure about your feelings so that you’re not accidentally leading anybody on, and are confident that the person you’re with is someone you can see yourself building something solid with in the long-term.

In the next section, we’ll talk about how, and when, to say I love you. Whichever way you choose to reveal your feelings, the real key is to remember that being nervous is completely normal, so you shouldn’t let it hold you back from expressing your feelings.

How to say I love you

So now you’ve decided when to say ‘I love you’… but how do you go about actually doing it? Luckily, there are plenty of great ways to tell someone you love them for the first time. The key is to figure out the way that will work best with your partner’s personality and your relationship. For instance, do they like big spectacles? Or are they more the introverted kind? Are you both in the same city, or is it a long-distance relationship? All of these factors will influence your decision on how and when to say I love you for the first time. Here are three potential ideas for telling your partner you love them:

Ideas for how to tell your partner you love them

• Make an event of it: Dress up and take them to dinner someplace nice. Maybe their favorite restaurant, or one that’s especially cozy and romantic. If they’re into grand gestures of affection, you could have the chef write a compliment on the dessert plate and tell them how you feel after. Or if you want something more low-key but still romantic, you could do a date night at home. Cook or order their favorite meal, and dance them around the living room floor after. If you’re wondering when to say I love you, that would be a pretty good time.
• Say I love you over text: Yes, we’re serious. It might sound crazy on the surface, but telling someone you love them for the first time via text actually makes a lot of sense. Telling someone face-to-face is a lot of pressure; you might fumble your words, or put them on the spot. Sending a text is a great low-key way to let them know how you feel and give them time and space to process their own feelings, especially if you haven’t been dating very long.
• Write a letter: There’s just something about the actual written word, especially handwritten, that elevates the message. As a bonus, it allows you to carefully craft your message beforehand. If you’re really feeling romantic, splurge on good paper and practice carefully. No matter what level of fancy you decide, remember that the key to a successful declaration of love is being sincere about how you feel.

Tips for saying I love you

Okay, you’ve decided when to say I love you… but how exactly do you go about it? Here are three tips to make the process easier.

What happens if they don’t love you back?

So, you’ve told that special someone you love them… and they don’t feel the same way. It’s normal to feel hurt, upset and even devastated, especially if you were sure your feelings were reciprocated. Here are a few things to keep in mind after saying I love you and not hearing it back:

• Regardless of how it feels in the moment, someone not loving you back isn’t a reflection of your worth as a person. We can’t help who we do or don’t develop romantic feelings for, unfortunately.
• No matter how much it hurts in the moment, do your best to take the rejection well. Don’t try to push them to change their feelings; respect the fact that they don’t return yours.
• Moving on from someone you care about is often really hard, but you should try your best. Spending time with friends, working on your own projects, and therapy can all help you cope when you get your heart broken.

Remember it’s not the words, it’s the feeling

Knowing when to say I love you is a complicated question with no simple answer. The key is to get to know your partner well enough to be sure of their feelings, and your own. Once you know how you feel, all that remains is to actually tell them. If that goes well, wonderful! If it doesn’t… well, once you’re over the heartbreak, that’s what eharmony is for. Our unique Compatibility Matching System helps you find partners who share your values and want the same things from a relationship that you do. Sign up and take your first steps on the road to real love today.